In the TV sitcom Friends there is a scene where Joey offers Chandler advice on overcoming his fear of commitment, he says “Face your fear! Scared of heights? You go to the top of the building! Scared of bugs?...Get a bug!”. So what can the wisdom of Joey offer us in terms of overcoming trauma?
Traumatic events can cast long shadows over our lives, altering the way we perceive the world and our relationships. Whether it's a car accident, physical or emotional abuse, or a natural disaster, trauma can leave indelible scars on us. In response, we may resort to avoidance, as a way to shield ourselves from the pain associated with those memories. Avoidance is a double-edged sword, it offers temporary relief from internal pain, but it also perpetuates a cycle of fear and anxiety. The more we avoid confronting our trauma, the more power it holds over us. It seeps into every facet of our lives, influencing our relationships, choices, and general well-being.
Avoidance can take many forms, for example, avoiding people, places, situations or even using hard work or procrastination as a distraction. Avoidance can be very crafty as we console ourselves with the comfortable feelings it gives us and indulge in its temporary relief. However in reality it hinders emotional processing, and ultimately our growth.
So, how do we break free from the chains of avoidance? The answer may lie in confronting the very thing that scares us. When safe to do so, intentional and gradual exposure to something or somewhere that has previously been harmful to us can help us break free of our fears. Returning to the place where the traumatic event occurred can be a pivotal step in the exposure process. This process makes it possible to update old information with new information and rewrite your personal narrative. The key is to do this at your own pace when it is safe to do and with the support of safe and trusted people.
Often those who have experienced something traumatic, get stuck in the memory and the feeling, and this is left unprocessed. These instances can affect the way we appraise ourselves and our relationship with the world. Returning to the scene of the trauma allows us the opportunity to reevaluate and update the way we think about ourselves in a way that better serves us. Facing something that has hurt us can be extremely difficult and requires courage but it paves the way for more authentic living.
In the end, overcoming avoidance is not about erasing the past but reshaping the way we look at it. In this way, we can acknowledge the pain without letting it define us. We can reclaim our agency and find peace within ourselves to live a better life.
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